I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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