My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
