I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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