So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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