Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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