I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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