the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
