the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
