Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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