i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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