i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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