Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
