nut hugger
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
