i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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