Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
