the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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