sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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