i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize