shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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