Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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