I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Blood and glitter go together right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
