We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
