I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
