sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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