I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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