I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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