as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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