Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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