bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
