I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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