I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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