really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
