I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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