There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
