Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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