I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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