I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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