I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
