remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
