If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize