drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
