we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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