She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
