I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
