Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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