I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
