I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
