I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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