I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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