The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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