Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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