so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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