yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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