areolas are like halos for boobs.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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