he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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