I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
