so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize