I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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