My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
