He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
