last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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