Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You may now shotgun with the bride
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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