Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize