6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
