There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jรคger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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