Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The adults are the big ones right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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