My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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