When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have fence marks all over my body
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
